


the heartache that they say never completely goes away

by xofrnk



Category: My Chemical Romance, The Used
Genre: Angst, M/M, Past Character Death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-11-04
Updated: 2012-11-04
Packaged: 2017-11-17 23:57:24
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 759
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/554628
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xofrnk/pseuds/xofrnk
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Somewhere that's not this world he can hear Winston scratching at the door, hear Jeph cursing and getting up to let him in but that's not here. It's never going to be 'here' again.</p>
            </blockquote>





	the heartache that they say never completely goes away

**Author's Note:**

> written in an act of complete and total self-loathing

"You know how much I love you, right?" Jeph whispers, one hand in Mikey's hair gently massaging his scalp. Mikey can only nod a little, making a tiny pleased noise in the back of his throat "I know, love you too. So much." he replies. 

This is nice, this is something they don't get to do and it makes Mikey happy that they can. Jeph is usually working at night and if Mikey doesn't really know why he's not out on this particular night it's not a big deal, he doesn't question it. He shifts a little and the shitty mattress creaks eeriely beneath them, sheets tangled around their legs and stuck fast with dried sweat from when they'd made love. 

"And you know that if something ever happens to me when I'm wo-" Mikey interrups that sentence before it's finished "Jepha no, we're not talking about that right now." his voice shakes a little and he shifts to tuck his face into Jeph's neck. "I'm not going to think about what happens if you die, okay? It's not going to happen." he says quietly as he wraps his arms around himself. He hears Jeph sigh and feels the comfort of his arms before he drifts off into a dreamless sleep. 

It's then that he wakes up. He opens his eyes and he's _cold_. 

Somewhere that's not this world he can hear Winston scratching at the door, hear Jeph cursing and getting up to let him in but that's not here. It's never going to be 'here' again. That's what he concludes when he rolls and goes to drape an arm over his boyfriend but...he's not there, where he should be stretched out is empty and has been for months. 

He's so stupid, it felt so real. Mikey thought for sure this time it had been reality, that those had really been Jeph's arms around him keeping him safe and Jeph's voice in his ear telling him how much he adored him. It wasn't though, it never is. He always wakes up alone in the same shitty apartment in the same worn out bed with the same pain crushing his lungs and making it hard to breathe.

Winston is alarmed by Mikey suddenly sitting up and he carefully crawls across the bed to nudge Mikey's hand with his nose, whimpering softly as he crawls into his lap and makes himself comfortable. Mikey looks down at him and lets out a watery laugh, shutting his eyes and leaning back against the headboard. He has to take a few slow, deep breaths to calm himself before he can look over to Jeph's side of the bed where the moon is shining through the half-drawn curtain and bathing it in a glowing, white light. 

That's all it takes to set him off. He'd tried to keep calm but why should he even try anymore, it's not like there's anyone here to see him breaking _again_. Not after Frank left, and then Gerard shortly after, followed by Alicia a few days later. He's been completely and utterly alone for months and these breakdowns are a common occurence. 

It's suffocating, trying to breathe through the hysterical sobs as he slowly sinks back down into the bed and hugs Jeph's pillow to his chest, Winston quickly abandoning him in favour of the pile of clothes on the floor. The pillow doesn't even smell like him anymore, it's not the same comfort it had been immediately following his boyfriend's death and it fucking _sucks_. 

He just wants Jeph back, he wants to come home from work and find him flaked out on the couch because he was out all night. He wants to get in stupid fights over who has to take the garbage out and who pays the rent, wants to wake up on an off day to find that Jeph made it home alright and snuggled close in sleep. But he's never going to have those little things again and it makes his head hurt, his eyes are burning and he feels like a fucking mess but it's all normal now. 

This happens every night, he dreams of a time when things were good. When he didn't have to make up some bullshit excuse to get his mother to stop calling and his co-workers to stop their nervous hovering. A time when he could come home and settle down on the couch with his boyfriend, watch shitty made-for-TV movies and order out for dinner. 

A time that he's never going to have again.


End file.
